Entry #11 Denial (My Favorite Place), My Father's Message, and Loving As A Constant State

Hi All:
I am sitting here and feeling very grateful for the Autumn day in front of me (perfectly mild breeze with deep orange and red leaves dancing from one branch to another). I am excited and relieved to have it made to and from Barcelona in one piece with Brady and mostly thankful to my state of denial (my favorite place) since it keeps me in a calm place with chaos and uncertainty swirling all around me.

Denial is my favorite place (is it living in the present maybe, is that what a Buddhist would say?) since it gives me the tools to cope with upcoming events that have me in a jitter.

Events such as the possibility of adopting a newborn baby and having no idea when or how it is actually going to happen, preparing for a slightly larger family just as I reach my comfort zone or how about this: submitting a book proposal on Get Over Yourself Place to get the message of this blog out there and see what happens. Hopefully these dreams will manifest. These certain dreams do require some denial. Why is that?  Because these kinds of dreams require much more bandwidth! Ha ha Mommy.

I am so proud of my denial mechanism because I know when I am doing it. I train my thoughts to not even think about what will come next. It greatly reduces my anxious state of mind.

I have a great example of this, here it goes, hope it is not too long,

Last summer we vacationed on our boat for ten days with Kooky who was 18 months old at the time. I said to my mother in -law, while loading the baby car seat on to the boat, "I am in such denial about this trip in every way, I have to live in the present or I will die." Meddi knowing me pretty well shook her head and said, "I get that totally". Sure enough on that very day (while burning from Montauk Point to Block Island), there are eight foot waves crashing on me, the boat and Brady in his little car seat (boat felt like a tin cup). This proved that my underlying anxiety was valid, and denial (my favorite place) helped me cope with this type of situation that I had no control over. Everything was fine but there were a few moments of helplessness and then intense prayer.

When I look for messages; whether it be a sad story in the news (I always think well instead of becoming fearful, what is the lesson here and how can it become an inspiration on some level?) or swirling birds outside my window at 5am or a message on a delivery truck, we think when we see them, and say, "No, it can't be, I am silly", but then you realize it is REAL while your brain is processing it your soul connects to the thoughts as well.

This August, while driving down the beautiful country side road of Route 110 (not!) here in Long Island in the super hot heat and dusty light blue sky,  and right in front of my car is this big, loud seventy foot delivery truck with very bold white and evergreen colors (I shall never forget) it read:

KANE is ABLE
Be Kind
Be Careful
Be Your Best Self

I am sorry, but I've never seen a Mack truck with my name on it, much less with words of being nice and kind, right? I am not crazy am I?

That (for me) was a direct dial from my late father and it was heaven talking at its best. As I am reading it, I am so sure that these words are for me to understand or feel for that matter. Cause in this world you better be kind, you better be careful and you BETTER be your best self, is that too much to ask ? Thank you Dad for that one.

The best way to think of my late father and deal with my grief was actually (not denial, my favorite place), finding a way to remove myself and the feelings associated with losing him with his own happiness. In a way, like Getting Over Myself right? Did I remove my ego, is that possible? I began to feel happy for him and accepting of his transformation into another place of light.  I have no idea how I came to this conclusion but my father's death was somehow beautiful for me because he was so relieved. Oh I love that one! Everyone has their own journey with loss and grieving and I understand that too.

I really cannot believe that I sit here and write on my diary every week about all things; unconditional love. The more I learn to love thyself and nurture others (even when they may not be loving back for some reason) that is all that I can think of or do. I feel like the less judging and comparing and even criticizing others and MYSELF has brought on positive spiritual AND physical changes. Cultivating this constant state of loving has been so rewarding. My heart sure feels good too!

Here is a perfect proverb from my Dream cards,

"The mind determines what's possible, The heart surpasses it."
Pilar Coolinta 

An elderly women wearing a Red Cross cape passed a very small and tiny sticker to us as we waited on line to enter the Gaudi Cathedral (the most stunning structure ever with distinct rainbow beams of light inside, so remarkable ) in Barcelona last week that said :

For Love of Others

I thought, she seems like the happiest person in the world. She's been standing here for how long, ten hours or more? She is still pleasant and smiling.

There are many great spiritual leaders, authors, teachers and texts that translate unconditional love, but there is nothing more than experiencing it

I am all over the place today (the Full moon to blame again and again) but I know that you will all forgive me somehow and Get Over Yourselves! He He I love you guys.

Thank you all for your conversation and support. I know we are all so busy. God bless the children and the animals. They need so much hope, I guess we all do.

With Love and Sincerely,
Kristen